Something Rotten

2 weeks ago by @wondertruly

Liner Notes

#folk #exvangelical #deconstruction #acousticonetake
Thanks to @stevenwesleyguiles for getting the conversation about deconstruction started in the forums. I have tried to write about my own experience with my faith and its falling apart several times over the years, but I have a hard time feeling like anything does it justice.

This is an autobiographical song about my journey and my relationship with the Christian church. I got married at 19 after being engaged for a year, which was about the max amount of time you were allowed to be unmarried in the church because the longer you were together unmarried, the more likely it was that you'd be tempted to live in sin. My ex-husband and I were both way too young to have made such a huge commitment at our ages, and we both came from abusive families so our marriage was fraught with the same.

The part about being stewards of a house of prayer is 100% true. My ex-husband and I lived and took care of the House of Prayer just off the campus of the Washington State Capitol building from the end of 2011 through most of 2012. Gay marriage was in legislation January 2012, and it's completely true that groups of prayer warriors would come into my house and pray the most vile things about the governor, the legislators, and queer people. I was even part of the church's booth at Olympia Pride, doing face painting and playing music and trying to witness to folks who were just there to celebrate being themselves in a safe place.

My faith was founded on a day in 2008 when I asked god if he would be my father, since my dad had abandoned me as a child. I heard a resounding "yes" in my whole self, and felt so close to god from that day on. Until the day I shut my heart off to protect myself from the abuse of my ex-husband. I didn't know at the time that when you shut your heart off to one thing, you shut it off to most things, and so I was shocked and so guilty when my faith began to fracture.

Lyrics

I married young, wed at nineteen
So the devil’s temptation wouldn’t come between us
We hurt each other, like hurt kids do
We forgave and we forgave till the truth rang hollow

We stewarded a house of prayer
Groups would come and pray for judgement that was just and fair
The legislation, 2012
Gay marriage passed by the governer herself

And they prayed, “Take her peace away
“Don’t let her sleep ‘till she sees the error of her ways”

And I knew then
Something was rotten in this den
I wept alone lit by sunlight from the window
This was not the loving god I’d known
Such hatred being prayed for in my home

One day my husband, he broke my heart
I decided to stop fighting and shut down my spark
Then I stopped hearing the voice of god
In the chapel, on my knees, I begged for him to come

And the believers came to me
Said He was testing me
But what kind of father tests his own daughter

And I knew then
Something was rotten in my head
I thought it was my fault, I fell in love with other people
My faith began to crumble at its core
The church said I should have given more

Mmm…

A decade later, the church has changed
From the pulpit they’re prescribing bigotry and rage
White nationalism, unbridled hate
It was this way all along, now they just show their faces

But Jesus said, “Blessed are the meek among you”
“Blessed are the poor, and Blessed are the merciful”
I don’t think they pray to Jesus anymore

I knew when
They voted for that rotten president
He’s building up walls, calling for the death of innocents
Deportation, Discrimination, Misinformation, tell me…are you proud to be American?

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